i wear black on the outside, [entries|friends|calendar] the boy with the thorn in his side [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[21 Feb 2005|01:37am] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | thursday - cross out the eyes ] benji's on his way over to my house right now... we didn't get to see each other this weekend because i got a fucking C on a test in one of my classes and my parents flipped and wouldn't let me "spend the weekend with my uncle". they also took away my cell phone and shut off my internet, so i was left with NO way to reach benji and tell him what happened. i freaked out at my parents which was probably a bad idea because i didn't need to give them any more reasons to put me back on my meds. i couldn't sleep at all. i was awake all night worrying about benji and what he thought and if he was ok. i laid in bed and the image of benji sitting at home waiting for me, or a call, or something from me kept running through my head and i felt so fucking horrible. it was just such a heartbreaking image and it kept playing over and over in my head and i was helpless; i couldn't do anything to talk to him. i finally got my inernet back last night and got to talk to benji. he was upset...he thought i had ditched him, that i didn't really want to hang out, and that really killed me. he told me that he waited all night in his living room on the couch for me, and his dad came home and benji jumped up and grabbed his bag and ran to the door with a huge smile on his face thinking it was me, but it was just his dad who probably called him some nasty names. it fucking killed to hear benji say that, and then have that image in my head. i just wanted to go over to benji's and hold him and tell him i love him and that i'm sorry, and never let him go. i made him cry... today i sat in my room and listened to the cure and wrote in my notebook. i write when i'm depressed or angry or hurting, and today i was definitely in the mood to write. the only other time i've written something that wasn't depressing or angry, was when i've written things about benji, or how i feel now that i have him in my life...anything happy i've written, is influenced by benji. i wrote a bunch of depressing shit today though...benji wants to read it tonight...i'm always scared i'll freak him out with some of the shit i end up writing...i have a fucked up mind... anyway, i was talking to benji online tonight and he said that he invited eddy over, and that he told eddy to bring whatever he had...he said it was probably just weed, but that scared me because i never want benji to go back into drugs like he was before. he said he just wanted to see me so badly, and i need to see him just as bad if not even more, so i just told him to come over...i'd figure out some way to sneak him in. i'm making him park down the street and i'm going to sneak him in through my window. it's easy enough to get into and my room is far enough away from everyone else's in the house that they wouldn't hear anything. ...at least i hope not. i really hope we get away with this. i need to see him so badly. i need him so much more than i should... he won't be able to stay for very long...hopefully we'll get a few hours. i'll take a few hours over nothing at all. just being with him for any amount of time will be amazing. all i want is to lay in my bed and have him hold me...and kiss him...and smell him... if this works out...it could be a very good thing for us... wish us luck that we get away with it... 4 comments|post comment

[18 Feb 2005|01:37am] [ mood | sleepy ] i should get to bed, but i feel like updating... tomorrow is friday, and i haven't heard from my uncle all week. i hope that he's up for another weekend with benji and i...i don't know what i'll do if he isn't. i miss benji so bad. last night wasn't all that great...i woke up and i just was hit with this overwhelming sense of lonliness and all i wanted to do was feel benji's bedy next to mine, but i couldn't, and it sucked. i barely slept at all last night. benji and i are going to see the used on the 23rd. i'm really excited. i love them. we're planning on having me go wtih maddy as my "date", and then when we get to the show benji will meet us there and maddy will go find her friends, or something like that. benji bought her ticket, and he even bought mine which got me kinda mad cause he didn't have to...it was really sweet of him though. i wonder what this'll be like with maddy...i'm going to just introduce her to my parents and hopefully they think i'm "cured" or whatever. i feel bad for using maddy like this...i hope she's okay with it. i owe her BIG TIME for this. this was a pretty lame update. sorry. i'm going to get to bed now though cause the sooner i wake up and finish school, the sooner i can hopefully see benji. goodnight. 3 comments|post comment

[15 Feb 2005|12:13am] [ music | the cure - alt.end ] i'm gonna try and make this fairly quick because i'm sleepy, but i wanted to write about my valentine's day because... I SPENT IT WITH BENJI! this afternoon i was leaving school and making my way out to my car so i could run over to subway and get some lunch before sulking for the rest of the day. when i got to my car i saw a huge bouquet of roses, like the one that benji got me on friday, and i was speechless. i wondered if someone put those there by accident or something, but there was a little card peeking out of the flowers and i read it and it said, "I love you Jerm" and then there was a little heart drawn beside his nickname for me, so i knew it was from benji. i got the warmest, best feeling in my stomach. no one has ever ever ever done something so incredibly sweet like that for me before. he drove all the way out to my school, just to put some flowers on my car for valentine's day because we weren't going to be able to spend it together. i wanted to cry because it was so fucking thoughtful and sweet of him. i knew that i had to see him today, no matter what, because it's fucking valentine's day and even though we had our awesome weekend, i still wanted to be with him. he surprised me, so i wanted to surprise him. i called my mom at work, because it's like a rule that you don't call my dad while he's at work. that's just something you don't EVER do. so i called my mom and i told her that there was a test in one of my classes i could take to earn some extra points to improve my grade...some bullshit lie like that. she's a grade nazi so she was all for it. i told her i'd have to stay after school for about an hour, and she let me. i can't believe she agreed. it was about 11:30 at that time and i figured i'd have until about 2:30-2:45 to be with benji before having to drive back and be home by 3:30-4ish. i signed myself out of school, because i'm allowed to do that. i think i explained the whole rich ass thing before. my parents are paying, why should they care if i even go or not? it's like college i guess you could say. anyway, i signed myself out and drove to benji's. on the way there i stopped at a flower shop so i could buy some water and a vase to keep my flowers in. i didn't want them to die. i wanted to get something for benji, but i didn't want to get him flowers because he just got me some, so i decided on this really cute stuffed bear holding a heart that said "I Love You." it's so incredibly cheesy, but i dunno, the bear made me think of benji, and i thought he might get a little kick out of it or whatever. i just wanted him to know i was thinking about him. the drive to benji's was kinda hard trying to keep the vase of flowers from tipping over, but i managed. i left them in the car and ran up to benji's door and knocked. i knew he was home because he gets out of school early, obviously, because he put those flowers on my car. i think it's my new thing to surprise him at home. haha. he opened the door and his eyes went wide and he yelled my name before hugging me. his reaction to seeing me always makes me feel so fucking happy. he started asking me how i was there and all of these questions about me getting in trouble and stuff, but i just told him that it wasn't important at the moment and i'd tell him later. i gave him the bear and he smiled...the really big smile where you can see his teeth and his INCREDIBLY cute/sexy/adorable dimples. i love his dimples so much. he said the bear was cute, and i made some jokes about being cheesy again, but he said he really liked the bear, so that made me feel better. we went out to lunch. it was so nice. it FELT so nice. we went to a small italian place. nothing super fancy or expensive because it's always those small little ones that are the best. we sat and held hands until our food came. we were so lovey and touchy-feely and it was so fucking awesome. i've ALWAYS wanted that. we fed each other our lunches and kissed in the middle of eating and played footsie under the table. it was the best. afterwards we took a walk because by the restaurant there was a lake that had a path going around it. it was a nice day out today so i thought that it would be really nice to enjoy the day with benji. we got some coffee and then we walked for a little bit, holding hands and walking really close. not even saying anything, just taking in the scenery and the feeling of the other by our side. eventually we stopped at a bench that was overlooking the lake and sat down. we sat impossibly close, and benji put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him. he asked me if i was warm enough. i wrapped my arms around his stomach and cuddled into him, and i told him i felt perfect. i felt him kiss my forehead, and i've never felt so content in my life. that will forever be one of my favorite memories. sitting there on that bench with benji, holding each other close and looking at the scenery, not having to say anything because words would've ruined the simple beauty of that moment. i just got an overwhelming swell of happiness inside of me and i had to do something so benji knew, so i just leaned my head up and kissed him softly on the cheek and then moved my head back down to where it was resting underneath his, where it had been before, a smile on my face. i felt him rest his head on top of mine and his hand started moving up and down my back slowly. i couldn't have asked for a better way to spend my vary first valentine's day. it was beyond perfect. i've never felt like this in my life before, and if this feeling ever goes away...it'll kill me. i can't handle experiencing something so fucking amazing like this and then having it taken away from me...it would be more devistating than anything i could ever imagine. it scares me how much i feel for benji. i never knew it was possible to feel like this about someone, but god...this is real. i never thought i'd ever fall in love, and to think that i fell this hard and this fast, it's mind blowing. but it happened and i love benji more than i'll ever love anyone or anything for the rest of my life. i don't care if anyone else thinks i'm just being a stupid kid; that this is some stupid high school romance or something...this is so fucking real. i know how i feel and i know it's true. but yeah, sorry for getting all intense...i should probably try and get some rest. hope everyone had a great valentine's day :) 4 comments|post comment

[13 Feb 2005|11:38pm] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | the killers - all the things that i've done ] alright, i'm finally getting around to updating. i'm so easily distracted, it takes me forever to write in this thing sometimes, haha. so...i have a lot to write about... benji and i got to spend the whole weekend together again. it was so amazing. friday after school my uncle came over to pick me up and take me to spend the weekend with "him", and then we went to go pick benji up. i wanted to do something to kind of, surprise benji i guess when i picked him up. we weren't going to be spending valentines day together, and so this weekend was just kind of our time together. we weren't gonna go out. we just wanted to spend the whole weekend inside together because when it comes down to it all, just being with him is what i want. i don't need fancy restuarants and all that shit. it's nice sometimes, but i just wanted to be with him, alone, all weekend. we kind of reserved sunday to be our valentines day, but i kind of wanted to give him a little something when i saw him friday too. i decided to kind of dress up a little. benji has a huge crush on billie joe from green day, and i thought it might be kind of fun to dress like him and hopefully benji would enjoy it. i dressed up in a tight black button down dress shirt with some fairly tight black pants. i felt kind of like an idiot, but billie joe does look good, so i hoped i didn't look too horribly stupid. i wore a red tie too, to signify valentines day, get it? but yeah, and then i put on a bunch of eyeliner and stuff like billie joe does it, and i gelled my hair kind of like his and stuff cause i dye mine black and it's cut similar enough. anyway, so i sprayed some cologne on and stuff cause i wanted to smell nice too and i had to practically run out the door and into my uncle's car once he got there before my parents could see how i was dressed, because i'm pretty sure they would've guessed that something was up. i stopped at a florist with my uncle on the way to benji's because i wanted to get him a rose. i'm a huge sappy romantic kinda guy, and i just thought benji might appreciate it. i got him this really pretty dark, dark, blood red rose. it was so awesome, perfect for benji. i also got him one of those heart shaped boxes of assorted chocolates just cause, i dunno, i'm a dork like that. i figured he might get a little kick out of it or something. when i got to benji's i knocked on his door a few times and waited for like 5 minutes and no one answered, so i let myself in because i knew his dad wasn't gonna be home. i walked in and benji was sitting on the couch and the tv was on, and he was sleeping. it was the cutest thing ever. he was holding a rose in his lap. i considered standing there and just watching him sleep for a bit, but i was too excited to see him and my uncle was also waiting in the car. i walked over and stood in front of him and put my hand on his leg and squeezed it a little bit and shook him, saying his name. it took him a few seconds to register what was happening and wake up. i held the rose and the chocolates behind my back and smiled at him as he opened his eyes. he glanced at me for a second and was all "...joel?" before his eyes like, snapped open and he was like "joel!!" followed by "fucking hell joel...you look so hot." i blushed because i don't handle compliments very well. i always get embarrassed. i still felt kind of stupid for being dressed like that. i pulled the rose and chocolates out from behind me and held them out to him. i went into a stupid rambling mess of course, getting all nervous and going on about how i thought the rose looked like him and how i got him chocolates cause it's valentines day and you know, you just have to and whatever. he laughed and said i was sweet and told me the rose was beautiful. then he picked up his rose and laughed a bit, handing it to me. then he was like "shit joel, come here" and he pulled me by my tie towards him to where i was sitting strattling his lap, and we started making out. god, he's such a good kisser. we ended up making out for a few minutes, really intensely and stuff and i would've loved to have sat there making out with him for hours, but i remembered my uncle in the car again and i pulled away and told him we could continue at my uncle's house. when we got to my uncle's house, we quickly made our way down to the basement and i'm not joking, we were on each other the instant the door closed. i can't get enough of him. how he feels, how he tastes...everything. we were making out in the middle of the bedroom, taking each other's clothes off. benji said he wanted to spend the whole weekend with me completely naked, so who was i to turn that down? benji naked is an amazing thing. we made it to the bed and were making out some more and touching and stuff. the night before i had decided that i wanted to give benji a blow job. benji already gave me one and i wanted him to know that i want him. like, he doesn't disgust me or anything and i wanted to let him know just how much i love him and want this relationship and everything about it. i just wanted to show him how much i love him, i guess. if that makes any sense to you. it made sense to me in my head. so yeah, thursday night online i told benji i had a surprise for him...maybe he thought that it was how i dressed or the rose or something, but my surprise was going to be the blow job. so we were making out and stuff on the bed and i pulled away and told benji that i wanted to give him my surprise now. he asked what it was but i just smiled and started to kiss his neck and i moved to his chest and kept giving him kissing all the way down his body. i think he knew what i was going to do because he was like "oh my god joel...." i was kissing right below his belly button and i started kind of moving my hand up and down his dick and then i told myself that it was now or never and that i could do it, so i moved my mouth down to his dick and i put it in my mouth and just started doing what i thought i was supposed to. i had NO idea what the fuck i was doing. i'd never given a blow job before, and i've only gotten a full one from benji so i pretty much had no clue what i was doing. benji started moaning and one of his hands was lightly running through my hair and i was trying to move up and down and not get my teeth in the way and use my tongue or something and it just all was too much. i was trying so hard not to freak out. i didn't want to fuck it up because i wanted so much for this to be good for benji. i just wanted to make him feel good and know that i want to like, do this kind of stuff to him...but i just couldn't. it was too much and i had to stop. i felt so fucking horrible. i didn't want benji to think i was grossed out by him or something. like my ex girlfriend did to me. i pulled away and just kept apologizing over and over again to him. i couldn't look him in the eyes. i just kept telling him how sorry i was, that i was a freak and an idiot and that i was sorry for fucking up. i really wanted to do it. i honestly did. he moved over to me and hugged me and told me it was okay. he wasn't even expecting me to do anything like that. he just kept hugging me and telling me all these reassuring things, trying to make me feel better. i didn't want to freak out like i did that one time a few weeks ago when i kicked him out of my house, so i tried to calm myself down a little bit. mainly for his sake. this was our weekend and i didn't want to fuck it up even more right away by having another mental breakdown. he moved me so i was laying down on my side and he laid down behind me and held me really tight. he kept telling me all these sweet things, and telling me how much he loves me and that it wasn't my fault. eventually i fell asleep. i felt so fucking shitty about everything though. i woke up saturday morning with benji's lips on the back of my neck, and his hand slowly moving up and down my dick. what a fucking amazing way to wake up. i just have to say. once he knew i was fully awake he started moving his hand fast and kissing my neck and i could feel his breath against my neck and my ear and it was incredible. i can't even explain to you how awesome benji is. just, every thing about him. i left him high and dry the night before, and i'm still kicking myself over it, but all he did was tell me it was okay, that he loves me so much, holds me and then gives me the best wake up call of my life. i knew he was telling the truth when he was saying that what happened the night before was okay, but how could i not feel bad for it? i really needed to show him just how much he means to me and how much i appreciate him, so i knew that this time i could do it right. i wanted to give the blow job another try. after i came from the hand job he gave me, i rolled over so i could kiss him and we started making out and i knew he was really hard. i finally got him so he was laying on his back and i moved down and put my mouth around his dick and gave the blow job another try. it wasn't as bad that time. i just convinced myself that it was benji and i thought how much i love him and how good i wanted to make him feel. that was my goal and i didn't want to stop until i knew he felt good. he was moaning and saying my name and telling me how good i was doing and it was like encouragement and i just kept doing what i guess i thought felt good. the noises he was making...holy shit. that turned me on big time. it was still really weird and awkward though. i just felt like the whole time i was doing it all wrong and he was just telling me i was doing good to be nice or something. it must've been awful. benji pulled me up really quickly after a while and i was so confused. i thought i did something really wrong and he just couldn't take it anymore, and then he moaned and i saw him come on his lower stomach. i asked him if i did something wrong, but he told me that he didn't want to come in my mouth or whatever because he didn't want me to gag or have to deal with that i guess. he told me it was the best blow job he's ever gotten...but i kind of find that hard to believe. there's no way that could be true. but we spent the rest of the day in bed together. it was so awesome. all day in bed, cuddling, kissing, naked...we watched some movies and i quickly ran up to the kitchen in a towel to get us something to eat and drink, but other than that we were in bed the entire day. i LOVE spending the entire day in bed with him. it's my favorite thing. but then later that night something kinda happened...we were making out and it was getting really, really heavy and we were both really turned on. i was laying on my back and benji was laying on top of me and were just kind of rubbing against each other and stuff, and benji moved a little bit so he could get a bitter angle i guess and started to kind of hump me a little and his dick kind of went down and...jabbed me...down there...if you know what i mean...and it was like, really surprising because it was like, right there and i felt how close it was to going in...and i was so surprised that out of reflex i kind of pushed him back a little and gasped. he started apologizing like crazy because he knew what almost happened and was telling me that he didn't mean it and that it was an accident. he was so scared that i thought he was trying to have sex with me or whatever. i knew it was an accident, but he was so freaked and i guess i was too because it was so close...but like, i realized then, after feeling him so close to going in and i just realized how it all happens. like, i know how it happens, but like, i could feel how it happens and was so close to experiencing it. does that make any sense? and i know that i'm not ready to have sex yet, but i know that when i am, i want it to be benji. feeling him in that way would be amazing, i know it. to have him like, inside me like that, that would bring us even closer. i love benji so much, and i trust him more than anything, and i want him to be the one. i know for a fact that he'll be the one. and i realized that last night and the thought makes me really happy. now i don't know when the hell that day will come, and i'm not letting it put any pressure on our relationship or whatever, but whenever that day comes i know i wont have any regrets. i had to keep telling him that i was okay and that i knew it was an accident and obviously i understand now how easily that happened and that it wasn't his fault or anything. then i just ended up kissing him and telling him how much i love him. we were laying really close facing each other and we were both still hard and both needed to get off. he smiled and kissed me and we started kissing i felt his hand start to move up and down on me, and i was about to move my hand down to him when i felt him move my hand away and i looked down and i saw him move his dick so it was right up against mine and he started jerking us both off at the same time, rubbing our dicks together and moving his hand up and down. god, it felt so fucking good. it was really hot. then afterwards we just cuddled and fell asleep together. today was OUR valentines day. when we woke up we said our little "happy valentines day" things and kissed and layed in bed together for a little bit. we sat up eventually and i got a good idea. so i stood up and grabbed benji's hand and pulled him up with me. i kept holding his hand and i led us into the bathroom and turned on the shower. benji was grinning as soon as he knew what we were doing. we both got in and pretty much forgot the purpose of actually taking a shower and just started making out and touching each other. after a few minutes i felt benji pull away and he started kissing down my body and his hands were trailing down my sides, making me shiver kind of even though it was hot in the shower. he got on his knees and started giving me a blow job, his hands rubbing up and down my chest and my sides and my legs and my ass. he's so fucking good at that. i had my eyes closed for a few minutes but i wanted to see him, so i opened them and looked down, and seeing benji on his knees giving me a blow job in the shower like that, god, it's such a fucking turn on...and then i looked a little further down and i saw benji touching himself and fuck, the turn on just got like a million times bigger. that was seriously the hottest thing i have ever seen in my life. not to mention benji, naked, in the shower, wet...god, just that alone was hot enough. it was like a hotness overload in that shower. man, i think i've gone waaaaay too in detail about all the sexual stuff this weekend. haha. i'm sorry if i was too descriptive with all that shit, but i guess it's my journal and to me, those things are very much worth putting in here ;) but yeah, after our shower and stuff benji gave me his present. i wasn't expecting him to get me anything. he really didn't have to at all. he got me this BEAUTIFUL silver cross necklace. it's so nice...i was like, speechless. i wasn't expecting him to get me anything like that! i think i almost cried, haha. i'll see if i can get a picture of it so you all can see it because it's so beautiful. he also made me a tape. he recorded the song he wrote onto a tape for me. he wasn't ready to play it for me in person i guess, but he knew i wanted to hear it, so he recorded it and i could listen to it when i got home. i listened to it as soon as i got into my room, and it's so good. i don't know what the hell he was saying when he told me he had a horrible voice. he's got a really great voice, it's so cute. he was singing really softly. he is really awesome on the guitar. i was like, in awe while listening to it, because he wrote it all himself and it was just, amazing. i really want to have him play it for me...i'd love to hear him and see him playing it...i hope he does sometime, but i know he's really nervous about that kinda stuff. i gave him my present afterwards. i gave him the poem i wrote and then i bought him a ring. i didn't know what to get him. i wanted it to be special and nice and something he deserved, but i didn't know what. i saw this really amazing ring in the jewlery store a few days ago and knew i had to get it. benji wears a lot of rings so i thought that he'd like it. it's got some diamonds in it and stuff. he really liked it, so i was glad. it looks really nice on him. we just spent the rest of the day together cuddling in bed and talking. soaking up the last few hours of time we get together. there was this really hot thing benji did though during one of the times we were making out. he pulled away and went "ooh!" before running across the room to the box of chocolates i bought him. i was thinking what a fucking weird ass time to crave chocolate. he put one in his mouth and carried the box over to the bed. he crawled back on top of me and started to kiss me...and so we were sharing the chocolate. that was really hot. we did that with a few chocolates and then there was one with nuts and that all the crunching and stuff kind of ruined it, haha. it was so sad tonight when we were driving benji back home. god, i just fucking hate this so much. i'm praying so hard every single day that there's something my uncle is able to do to convince my parents to let me see benji. i can't keep doing this. i don't like sneaking around and going to my uncle's just so i can be with my boyfriend. it isn't right. i miss benji in MY bed... i miss benji's bed. tomorrow will be pretty sad because everyone in school will be with their boyfriends and girlfriends and acting all lovey dovey, and i wont even get to see benji at all. but this weekend was amazing and i'm so fucking glad that we got to spend it together. 2 comments|post comment

touch me tease me kiss me please me. i'll give it to ya just how you like it grrrrl. [10 Feb 2005|05:51am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | game ft. 50 cent - this is how we do ] i woke up early and can't fall back asleep. blah. don't you hate when that happens? i haven't been sleeping too well lately. i just can't seem to fall asleep anymore without benji's arms around me. that's probably pretty pathetic and needy of me, but i never knew just how amazing it was to fall asleep in someone's arms. it's the best feeling in the world, especially when you wake up still in that person's arms. it's funny, because even before benji and i were "together", when we'd sleep at each other's houses in the same bed, i always fell asleep faster and slept better. just knowing that someone was there next to me like that was so comforting, and i guess that comfort really made me feel relaxed and safe. that's exactly how i feel when i sleep next to benji. i feel so calm and relaxed and so safe. it's definitely my favorite place to be. i'm getting too sappy. blame the lack of sleep. only two more days till i get to see benji! my uncle is going to pick me up friday evening to stay at his house like i did last weekend, and we're going to make a small detour to waldorf :) i can't wait. school is even more of a hell when i have to go through 5 days of it knowing i get to see benji at the end of the week. the days don't pass nearly fast enough. monday is valentines day...i don't know what to do...i won't be able to see benji on monday...i might have to do something sunday instead. it just isn't the same! i want to do something for him ON valentines day, not the day before. that's shit. maybe i can work something out... who am i kidding? it's hopeless. fuck this shit! i'm so angry about this stupid situation. it's so incredibly fucked up. i hate my parents. it just isn't fair. they just care more about their stupid reputation than their son's happiness. fuck them. i just want to be cheesy and corny and romantic on valentines day with my boyfriend. i wrote him a little song/poem and i just want to read it to him and take him out to dinner and do what other couples do on v-day. i don't know what to do... 8 comments|post comment

[08 Feb 2005|10:05pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | deftones - teenager ] my "nanny" couldn't come over today...too bad she's really not all that smart and called our house instead of my dad's cell phone and told ME who she thought was my dad, that she couldn't come over today. so, joel had a free day to leave and do whatever he wanted without getting caught. what do you suppose joel did? SEE BENJI OF COURSE! i surprised him at work. and, okay, this is going to make me sound extremely gay, but when i walked in i saw benji at one of the tables playing with this little kid and it was the cutest fucking thing i've ever seen. i wanted to go run over to him, but i had to stand back and watch for a few minutes while he played with this kid, because i can't get over how cute it was. he was laughing and making funny faces with the kid. benji looked over after a few minutes and i made eye contact with him and he just got this look of complete shock on his face, and i'm just standing there staring at him smiling, haha. i saw him say something to the kid quick before patting him on the head before he ran over to me and picked me up a little, giving me a huge hug. he asked me what i was doing there so i told him the thing about my nanny, and he got concerned and asked me if i was sure i wouldn't get in trouble. i love how much he cares, but i hate that he worries so much. i guess that his boss had an emergency meeting or something, and had benji look after the kid for him. he is the cutest kid i've ever met, and he was in LOVE with benji. it was adorable. benji even calls him "little dude". we played around for a little while, making jokes and coloring and stuff like that. at one point we were running around playing tag and jordan (the kid) fell down and hurt his knee, and benji was at his side in less than a second, making sure he was okay. jordan didn't hurt himself too bad, thankfully, but benji made sure to get him a bandaid and he even kissed jordan's boo boo to make it better. i think i fell even more in love with benji today after seeing him with that kid. he's going to be an amazing dad. jordan's dad, and benji's manager came back after a while and benji and i went back to his place. we didn't get to spend too much time together, unfortunatly because it was getting kind of late and stuff, and i couldn't risk either of my parents coming home. but we got to be together for about an hour, which we spent laying together on his bed making out and cuddling. it was nice. i'm glad we got to see each other today. it was awesome. last night benj and i talked on the phone for a while. we had been talking online about how we had both...done things while thinking about certain events over the weekend. benji's dad had walked in on him, and obviously that killed the mood, so he said that maybe he'd try later or something, and i said that maybe he could try now...and then he asked if i would, and i said i would if he wanted me to, and he did...he asked if he could call me and we could, you know...tell each other things and listen to each other and stuff...but yeah, when he called i was kind of nervous and i guess he was too, so we both just ended up talking and saying how much we mean to each other and just stuff like that. i love hearing his voice. i love hearing him tell me he loves me. it's the best thing to hear before you go to bed at night. i'm so in love. 2 comments|post comment

[06 Feb 2005|10:07pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | mxpx - do your feet hurt ] i saw benji this weekend!!!! so, my uncle picks me up like we were planning, and we start driving and he starts going the complete opposite way than the way he should be going to get to his house, and i'm confused so i ask him why he's going the wrong way, and he told me that i'll see. so i'm confused as hell and i'm staring out the window, and i'm such a dumbass and eventually realize that we're headed the way i take when i'm going to benji's. i asked him again where we were going, and he replied, "we're going to waldorf. tell me where to exit." so i'm staring at him like he's a crazy man because i'm thinking, "why the hell does he want to go to waldorf?" and then it all clicks and i mentally slap myself. we were going to see benji. i start getting all giddy and nervous and stuff and i ask my uncle if we're going to see benji and he just smiled at me. i was about to just attack him with a huge hug. we got to benji's and i don't think the car even stopped before i was out and running up to benji's door. i knocked a few hundred times and waited outside impatiently bouncing up and down. as soon as benji opened the door i practically tackled him. i hugged him so tight. i know i took him off guard and he took a minute before he was like "JOEL! what the hell are you doing here?!" but he was hugging me back just as tight. i could barely get my sentence out i was so excited and happy and just overwhelmed. i managed to get out "uncle. pack stuff. you. staying weekend with me. i love you" or something like that. who knows. i finally gathered myself enough to pull back and acutally look at him and tell him to pack some stuff because he was staying the weekend with me at my uncle's house. he looked like shit...i mean, he always looks great, but he just looked so tired and worn out and...sad. i'm sure he looked just like i did, but as soon as i was there and told him everything and whatever, i could see just his entire face and body just, lighten. you know? he kept asking me if i was sure and if it was okay, if my parents would find out and stuff. he worries so much :( i told him i didn't even know until my uncle was almost here. it was his idea. he smiled so big and that made me so happy. i love when he smiles. i feel like all of this shit is my fault. he's feeling awful and really, it's my fault because i'm the one who can't be with him. but anyway, i told him to go pack some stuff quick and i waited in his living room for him. when he came back i asked him if he had everything he needed and he said that he needed one more thing but i was confused because he wasn't going back to his room, so i asked and he just smiled and stepped closer to me and whispered "this" before kissing me. i smiled back into our kiss and we stood there for a few minutes making out like our lives depended on it. i almost forgot my uncle was in the car waiting for us so i told benji we better go. when we got into the car, i introduced benji to my uncle and vice versa. of course my uncle had to completely embarrass me by saying, "so this is the stud that has my nephew so smitten" before laughing and slapping me on the back. i wanted to crawl in a hole. we got back to my uncle's house and he said that we could use the basement and stuff to sleep. it was pretty late so he was just going to get some sleep and he said that benj and i could have the basement to ourselves to do whatever. he said that we could talk about the situation more and stuff in the morning. he winked before he told us to be good. that didn't make me blush or anything. the basement of his house is a spare bedroom and bathroom with a little living room area i guess you could say. it was pretty nice. as soon as we got down there and got the door shut, benji and i were instantly attatched at the lips. i told him how much i missed him and stuff. he said he missed me so bad too. we made out for a while, and slowly were undressing each other for bed. we eventually got down to our boxers and got into bed. we made out for a little while longer, just really slowly and nice. we started talking about how much we missed each other and how scared we were that it would be so long before we saw each other...and then benji told me he loves me, and it was incredible hearing and SEEING him say that. i told him i love him too, and it was just so nice. i almost wanted to cry because i've only dreamt of having someone say that to me. we started making out again and benji started kissing my neck and moved to my chest and was like, playing with my nipples a little bit and by that time i was getting pretty...excited...benji came back up and kissed my lips before asking me if i trust him. i nodded and he kissed me again before kissing back down my chest...all the way down. and i know you guys don't want to hear all the details of this, but uh...he gave me head...and god, i don't think i've ever been so nervous, but it was the most amazing thing ever. fuck, he was incredible. and he uh, swallowed...he told me that was his first time swallowing too...that made me nervous. we ended up kissing for a little bit and i was rubbing benji's stomach and eventually i took a deep breath and worked up enough courage, and i gave him a handjob. i was so fucking nervous at first, but hearing him moan and knowing that i was making him feel good...he kept telling me i was doing good and stuff, and i wasn't nervous anymore. we went to bed afterwards and said i love you again and he held me. god, i love how it feels when he holds me. saturday i woke up kind of early and i decided that i wanted to go get breakfast for everyone before benji woke up. my uncle was already up so he took me and we bought a bunch of bagels and juice and doughnuts and all that good stuff. on our way home my uncle told me that he's happy for me and benji and that he doesn't care what we do as long as we clean up after ourselves, but next time we might want to close the vent because he doesn't really need to hear what we do. i swear to god i've never been so embarrassed in my entire life. he noticed how red i got and laughed and patted my leg before telling me he didn't care, he was just giving me a heads up. benji was still sleeping when we got back so i woke him up and we all ate breakfast together. it was nice. then we just kind of hung out for a few hours, took showers, all that good stuff and my uncle took us all out to lunch. he said we could talk about the situation and everything. i love my uncle so much. he is seriously the most awesome person i've ever met. while we were at lunch he asked questions about me and benji, and about our relationship and stuff, and he really listened to what we had to say, and he never onced judged us. we talked for a while about possibilities of ways we could deal with this situation. he told us that if he was going to be helping us out, that we'd better not go sneaking around or anything because if we get caught, there's nothing he can do. he said he'll do anything he can to help us. i think he's going to try talking to my parents eventually, but i'm not sure when. i think he's going to do this again for us next weekend, and man, i just can't thank him enough. we got home and just hung out for a few hours again. benji and i were like, joined at the hip or something. we were just trying to spend as much time with each other as we could this weekend because who knows when we'll for sure get to see each other again. my uncle told us that if benji and i wanted to have dinner alone, he'd drop us off somewhere and go hang out at a restaurant across the street or something. again, i love my uncle. benji and i ate dinner together at a nice restaurant and it was so nice. it was so nice to see him and be with him like this when i was wondering when the hell i'd ever get to see him again. we went to bed soon after we got home. i just wanted to lay with him and kiss him and cuddle with him. we got undressed down to our boxers and got in bed, and benj layed behind me and was spooning me. it feels so great to be spooned by someone. it's just so nice and warm and comforting. he started kissing the back of my neck softly and his hand was lightly rubbing up and down my chest. his hand kept going a little bit lower and lower each time, and he was still kissing my neck. his hand was just barely slipping under the waistband of my boxers every now and then and he stopped when his hand was resting just barely underneath the waistband and he whispered in my ear, "can i?" i got all nervous and nodded my head. he kissed my ear and told me he loves me and slipped his hand into my boxers and started giving me a handjob. god, he just makes me feel so good...he was kissing my neck and he started whispering all these fucking nice and sweet things into my ear. i felt him start to move a little behind me and i could feel him brushing up against me. he moved his leg a little so it was resting on top of mine and that brought our bodies closer together. i could feel his chest against my back and i could feel his...hips and, everything else against my ass and he was moving against me while he was jerking me off and it felt incredible. i wanted him to get off too and feel good, so i kind of helped him and started moving my hips back into his. he kept kissing the back of my neck and he was moaning a little and he kept telling me all these things, like how much he loves me and how i make him feel and just, gah. that was probably more details than i should've said, but it was just fucking incredible. we fell asleep afterwards, cuddled up again. we spent today just lounging around and cuddling together, kissing and stuff. just enjoying each other's company. in the car on the way home, it was sad. benj and i sat in the backseat together, cuddling and kissing a little bit, holding hands and stuff. benji started kind of nervously playing with my hands and my fingers a little bit when we got closer to his place. i don't know if he really knew he was doing it, but i knew he was worried about when we'd get to see each other again. i'm so nervous. i walked him up to his front door and we hugged for a long time, and we kissed and held each other for i'd say a good 10 minutes. maybe longer. i just know it wasn't enough. we just kept saying goodbye and kissing, and then we'd pull away and say goodbye again and kiss, and that went on for a while. i just couldn't leave him. it was so hard. when i finally did, i held back the urge to cry and moped back into the car. my uncle put a comforting hand on my shoulder and told me that things would be ok. he said that benji seemed like such a nice boy. he couldn't have asked for a better person for me to be with. he can tell how much benji and i love each other, and he's happy for me. he saw just how happy benji makes me, and he told me that he could see just how happy i make benji. my uncle is the most amazing man in the entire world. i love him so much. he has no idea just how much his help means to me. i'm forever grateful. and now here i am. alone again. this week will never go by fast enough. 2 comments|post comment

[04 Feb 2005|09:16pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | friday night stand-up ] i called my uncle earlier this evening. we talked on the phone for about an hour...actually, it was more of me bawling and trying to explain what happened, but all i could seem to get out was, "why?" and "i love him so much. they can't do this. they can't take him away from me"...that kind of stuff. i think my uncle was most likely confused, but i'm sure he got the jist of what happened. eventually he interrupted me in the middle of my sobfest and told me to pack some things because i'm spending the weekend with him, and we're going to talk and i'm going to tell him exactly what happened and he's going to help me as much as he can to fix this...because my uncle knows what benji means to me. he could see it that day he came to visit, he said. he saw the change in me, and he supports my relationship with benj. my uncle has never been a huge fan of my parents and the things they do and how they treat me. i love my uncle so much. i don't know what i'd do without him. i really hope that he's able to do something...he's my last hope right now. i don't know any other way to do this. god...i'm sitting here right now watching stand-up...alone...missing benji...i love him so much you guys. i love him so fucking much. we have to be together, we just HAVE TO. 3 comments|post comment

The Real Thing. [04 Feb 2005|02:42pm] I've seen your face a thousand times Have all your stories memorized I've kissed your lips a million ways But I still love to have you around I've held you too many times to count I think I know you inside out And we're together most days But I still love to have you around You're the one I want and it's not just phase You're the one I trust, our love is the real thing Don't go away My love (my love) I want you to stay In my life Don't go away My lover (my love) I'm happiest when we spend time You're a salty water ocean wave You knock me down, you kiss my face I know the storms will always come But I still love to have you around Heaven knows what will come next So emotional, you're so complex A rollercoaster built to crash But I still love to have you around You're the one I want and it's not just phase You're the one I trust, our love is the real thing Don't go away My love (my love) I want you to stay In my life Don't go away My lover (my love) I'm happiest when we spend time (it's only you and I) It's you there when I close my eyes And you in the morning I never thought you'd still be mine Or I'd really need to have you around Don't go away My love (my love) I want you to stay In my life Don't go away My lover (my love) I need you, you're my love supply Don't go away My love (you're my love supply) I want you to stay In my life (every day, every night) Don't go away My love (you're my love supply) I need you, you're my love supply 2 comments|post comment

[04 Feb 2005|12:57am] [ mood | depressed ] my dad found the journal benji gave me for christmas. he went through my room after he had found that first journal. he read the stuff i wrote about benji. he knows about us. i'm not allowed to see benji anymore. i want to die. what am i supposed to do? how am i supposed to just not see him? I LOVE HIM! i told him last night...i know this is love. how i feel about him. it's love. i've never felt ANYTHING like this in my life before. and the best part is, he loves me back! he told me he loves me. it shouldn't have been that way. over the fucking internet. i just feel even worse, because i can't see him. it's all my fault too. i shouldn't have left my notebook somewhere so easy to find. i shouldn't have written those things. i've been a fucking mess since yesterday. i don't think i've cried so much in my life. i'm going back to feeling things i was so happy to escape, and i don't want to feel like that again. knowing benji loves me is what keeps me here, but how can this happen? i can't let this happen. i'll find a fucking way to see him. i don't care what i have to do! benji told me he was going to new york this weekend...like, perminantly. i can't handle that. i can't handle this already, and then having him move away like that...that would kill me. and you know, maybe this sounds like some stupid teenage drama or whatever, but if anyone knew what my life has become since i've met benji, and since i've been with him...having that taken away from me like this, for the stupidest fucking reasons in the world...that's just not something i can handle. i'm not a strong person. benji is what keeps me strong, so without that what am i? i'm begging him to stay, he said he will...but i'm so scared that he wont. i don't want him to give up. if he gives up, then i give up. i'm going to try everything. i'm going to try every fucking day to convince my parents. i'm going to beg and plead and see if my uncle can do something. he's my only hope. this can't be the end. 1 comment|post comment

[02 Feb 2005|11:00pm] my life is over. 3 comments|post comment

[01 Feb 2005|10:25pm] i went back over to benji's place again last night. i needed to go back over and take care of my sick boyfriend like i had been before my dad interrupted. it's no fun to be alone when you're sick. i snuck out after i got offline with benji. i wouldn't even call it sneaking out cause no one would've noticed anyway. the only reason i got in trouble yesterday was because my dad was interrupted in the middle of shit he considers important. anyway...when i got to benji's he was all wrapped up in a hoodie, sweatpants and a blanket. i just wanna say that he looks really cute in sweatpants ;) so yeah, i got him all comfy on the couch and made him some soup again because even though it was pretty late, he hadn't eaten in like two days and he needed to get some food into him. he actually ate a little bit and it stayed down, so i was happy about that. we cuddled up and i was rubbing his back a little and he ended up dozing off with his head against my shoulder. poor thing. i sat there while he slept against me. eventually he woke up though and so i suggested we go to bed. we got out of our clothes, except for our boxers and a t-shirt, and got into benji's bed. i made him lay on his stomach so i could rub his back and stuff to help him fall asleep. i laid on my side close to him and stayed up for a while after he fell asleep, just rubbing his back and neck softly and just looking at him. i've realized that one of my new favorite things is watching him sleep. he's just so...perfect. that's the first time i've said that about anybody, and it's so true. he really is. anyway, today we spent the day in bed and on his couch, cuddling and talking and stuff. we talked a lot actually...about EVERYTHING. we opened up to each other about everything. any secret i've ever had, it came out. i trust him more than fucking anything, and to trust someone like that, and be able to tell that person things you've been aching to tell someone for the longest time and have them just be there...i can't even tell you how it felt. i've already told benji a lot about my suicide attempts and my depression and stuff, but it was all over the internet and this time i was telling him face to face, and it was just a weight lifted off my shoulders. we were laying on his couch together, him laying on top of me and i was just telling him everything...my thoughts, how it happened, what i did...all of it, and he was just laying there holding me and listening and he was kissing my chest and my neck softly every now and then, i guess letting me know he was there and that he cared and stuff. and i started crying because i've never said any of this stuff out loud to anyone before and it was hard but i was glad i was telling him that stuff, and so i started crying and i put my hands over my face. benji called me baby again softly and pulled my hands away from my face and he kissed me. benji told me a bunch of stuff about his childhood and his dad and god, i shouldn't really say too much because it's extremely personal, but the fucking shit he had to go through as a KID! it seriously blew my mind. i can't believe how he was treated and how he's still treated. NO ONE deserves that, and especially benji! he's a good fucking kid!! his dad needs to be shot. i've never wished death upon ANYONE before, but i honestly wish it upon his dad, because no one should deserve to live after treating their own child the way benji's been treated. i just, i can't believe some of that shit. benji showed me the scars on his leg from his cutting. that got me really emotional because i'm fucking FALLING for him so hard that i don't think i can fall anymore. i'm there. and to just hear all these horrible things that have been done to him, and see those scars from where he's hurt himself...it was so hard. i tried to keep myself together because i didn't want him to see me get too emotional over that stuff. i leaned down and i kissed each scar that was on his ankle. and then i hugged him tighter than i think i ever have before. i showed him some of the scars i have from when i've hurt myself too. we had talked for HOURS today about everything, and we just laid there and held each other for a long time during and after. it was so emotional, but it wasn't emotional in a bad way really. so much weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and my trust and my feelings for benji have just grown a fucking huge amount today. i feel so...CONNECTED to him. i feel so connected and so close to him, and it's the best fucking feeling in the entire world. i'm so blessed to have benji in my life. i truely am. i didn't want to leave today. after opening up to someone so much like that, it's hard to just up and leave. i had to get back home so that it looked like i went to school though. if i get in trouble any more, i'll be put back on my meds, and i can't let that happen. i can't...and i won't. 4 comments|post comment

[31 Jan 2005|09:05pm] i went over to benji's house earlier today cause he's sick. i called him from school during my lunch cause i do that sometimes just cause talking to him for that half an hour in the afternoon makes the rest of the school day a little more tolerable. so i called and i guess i had woken him up. he told me he was sick and of course i got all worried and was asking if he was okay and if he needed anything. of course he said that he was fine, but i could tell in his voice that he felt like shit. i finally got him to tell me that he'd been throwing up all morning. i told him that i was coming over after i got done with school. he told me he was fine, but i said that i wanted to. what i didn't tell him was that i decided to leave school and go see him right away. i didn't tell him on the phone because i know he wouldn't let me come, and i really wanted to see him so i decided to drop by and bring him soup and stuff. the poor guy just looked like he felt like shit. his nose was all red and his eyes were puffy. he was surprised to see me, but i don't think he had the energy to question why i was there so early. i helped him get all comfy and stuff on the couch and went into his kitchen to make him some chicken noodle soup. he ended up not being able to eat it because it just made him feel sick, poor baby. i felt so awful. i laid down with him on the couch and rubbed his scalp and his shoulders and neck. he fell asleep, bless his heart. i was really happy he did because he'd been having trouble all night he said. i wish he would've called cause i would have come over in a heartbeat. i like to think that i helped him fall asleep, but i think it was all the nyquil that he'd taken. either way, he was resting and that was good. i was still rubbing my fingers through his hair and just kind of watching him sleep because he looks so peaceful when my phone started rining. i would've let it go, but it was the ring that i have for my family and i knew i had to answer it. it was my dad, and he was pissed. he didn't say what he was pissed at, but if i didn't get my ass home in an hour, he was going to send me away. to where, i don't know, but i knew he meant it and i really didn't want to find out. i got up from the couch and i just couldn't wake benji up. he was finally asleep and he looked so peaceful and he needed his rest, so i started looking for a piece of paper or a pen or something so i could write him a note, but i couldn't find anything for the life of me. i was like, shit. i had to get home though because my dad was angry and i couldn't risk anything that might take me away from benji, so i kissed his forehead and left. i tried calling him a few times tonight, but he isn't answering his phone. i hope he's still asleep, or at least okay. fuck my dad for making me leave like that. when i got home, my dad was fuming. he started going off on me about all the usual shit, and the school had called him at work and interrupted a bunch of his shit i guess. so he was pissed about that, and i guess that i'd left one of my notebooks in the living room...not the one benji gave me, or one that i've really written much in, but it had a few songs and shit in there that were a little...intense i guess. he was pissed at me for being depressed again. i told him that i'm not, that i'm happier than i've ever been in my entire life, but he didn't buy it. he wants to put me back on my meds because i need to get my fucking life together and start working hard so i can be what he wants me to be. it was stupid. he doesn't listen to me! i'm praying to god he doesn't put me back on my meds. i can't go back on those...they fucked with my head...if i go back on those, i know it's going to ruin me and benj. i'm not a good person when i'm on meds, and i know i'll fuck it up. he ripped up my notebook and threw it away too. i had some songs i really liked in there. i really hope benji comes online tonight because i feel so awful for leaving him like that, especially when he's sick. i hope he's doing okay... 3 comments|post comment

[30 Jan 2005|10:44pm] [ mood | missing benji ] [ music | the smiths - the queen is dead ] hey...i think i should apologize for that last entry...i was really worked up emotionally, and i just...don't deal with my emotions very well sometimes. it's not as bad anymore because i'm not dealing with my depression or anything anymore, and i've stopped taking medication for it, but sometimes i can't control myself and i kind of overreact. and that's what i did friday night and i feel like such shit for acting how i did. yeah, i'm still really embarrassed about the "situation", but what i'm still really angry at myself for is how i acted and how i just kicked benji out like that. i'm serious you guys, the look on his face when he was leaving just...killed me. okay, i'm going on a tangent. i wanna write about the rest of the weekend, cause it rocked, but i just wanted to say sorry for that little episode i had. i hope i didn't scare any of you guys or anything. so, yeah...my 3 day weekend with benji :) thursday he came and picked me up from school like he did the day before. he's such an awesome guy. he comes to pick me up from school just so i don't have to walk home. i asked benji if he wanted to stay the night and stuff and then we could just chill friday night and the rest of the weekend, and he did. it was a nice night. we ordered pizza and cuddled on the couch together watching movies and stuff (after my brother and sister were officially gone for the night). nights like that just fucking rule. they really do. lounging around, eating pizza, watching movies and making out of course :) it wasn't too eventful. friday we were lazy and slept in late. i LOVE sleeping in. it's the best thing in the world, and let me tell you, it's even BETTER when there's someone there with you. it rules. anyway, when we finally did get up we just hung around my house in our boxers and shit cause i didn't think anyone in my family was coming home. we ate cold pizza cause i'm a lazy ass and can't cook for SHIT. haha. when we were in my kitchen eating, benj was looking through the french doors that lead outside to my backyard and pool, and he saw that i have a hot tub out on my patio. he was like "dude! you never told me you had a hot tub!" he was SO excited about it. it was cute. i asked if he wanted to go in it and he was like HELL YEAH, so i got it started and let it warm up for a few minutes before we ran like hell and jumped in. cause it's cold as shit outside. i've never really spent too much time in my hot tub because it's just never much fun when you're alone, but i have a feeling benji and i will spend a lot of time in it from now on, cause it ruled. cuddling and making out in the warm water, watching the sunset...it was actually really romantic, and i'm a sucker for that shit, so i was totally loving it. we were starting to get all wrinkly and stuff and decided to go back in and watch some stand-up, cause it's our new "thing" :) it's awesome. i gave him some boxers to borrow and we threw on some pjs and got all cozy and stuff and started watching stand-up. and yeah, here's where my little freak out comes in. so, we just start making out while we're watching stand-up, cause we just randomly make out a lot like that. and we were getting like, REALLY into it and eventually ended back up in just our boxers. benji started to touch me outside my boxers, and it felt awesome and i started kissing him harder and i'm sure i was moaning a little or whatever, so obviously he took that at a sign to continue, which was totally cool. he slipped his hand into my boxers and he started giving me a handjob, and i just wanna say, before i get into everything else, that it felt incredible. he was touching me in a way that i know i've been longing for him to touch me, and maybe that's why what happened, happened. i don't want that to be some stupid excuse though, because i don't know why the fuck i came so damn early. it was just...overwhelming. it felt so fucking amazing, and it was benji and he's amazing and he turns me on like you wouldn't believe. i just hate that it ended like that, and i'm praying to GOD that the next time we're in a situation like that, the same thing doesn't happen. i don't want to be a fucking minute man. i know i'm not. i mean, i'm sorry, but i've jerked off enough times to know how long i can last, and i've had a few handjobs in my life and something like this has never happened. i dunno. i can't explain it, i just know that it made me freak out. i had just started touching benji back through his boxers and i was honestly ready to take that next step and slip my hand in his boxers, and then i came and i was just so fucking embarrassed and furious at myself that i knew i was going to freak out like a mental person and i didn't want benji to see me like that. i made him leave and he just looked like a fucking kicked puppy when he left. as soon as he left i went a little crazy...i started yelling at myself and calling myself names. i was crying and...it just wasn't pretty. i hate when i freak out like that, but it's just like i can't control myself sometimes. side effects of post depression and coming off of a LOT of meds i guess. i haven't done anything like that since i've met benji though, because he makes me so incredibly happy, i know for a fact that i've never been this happy in my entire life. for the first time in my life, someone actually cares about me. someone WANTS to be with me, and talk to me and hear what i have to say. and he WANTS to kiss me and hold me and god, i just can't even describe the feeling it gives me. i wish he really knew just what he was doing for me. i never thought i'd be happy. ever. i honestly thought i was going to live the rest of my life in this sort of, emotionless state. that's how i felt. i lived a life of almost complete solitude and figured that was the way it was always gonna be, and now here's benji...he's what makes me look forward to the days ahead. he makes me happy that i'm still alive, and want to STAY alive. i know i'm getting all, whatever, but it's so true. i'm enjoying life again, and for someone who thought they'd never know the feeling of happiness...it means a lot. and he just keeps getting more and more amazing. we talked online after he had gotten home and i just kept apologizing and beating myself up some more, and i feel really stupid now for how i was acting because i shouldn't have gotten so carried away with something so stupid. he wanted to come back over and i'm so fucking glad when he asked if he could. i needed him back more than anything. i don't know why he puts up with my shit like that, but he does. i told him i didn't want him to see me because i was a mess, and it was true. it was obvious i'd been crying and i just looked like shit, but then he goes and says that he wants to be there for me when i'm upset like that. he wants to help me through stuff like that. he doesn't want me to be alone. i've never had anyone be there for me when i've been feeling really shitty, and it meant a fucking lot that he wants to be there for me like that. i feel the same way about him. i want to be there for him whenever he's upset or sad or anything like that. cause what he's said is right, being in a relationship like this, it's important to be there for each other through the good and the bad, see each other in both lights cause that's what helps make the relationship stronger and last. and i want this to last. more than anything i do. when he got back over we just stood kinda awkwardly at the door. i was trying to hide my face from him because i didn't want him to see how horrible i looked. i invited him in though and we went back into my room and just kind of stood there for a minute. i started apolozing like crazy for everything and benji walked over to me and hugged me really tightly, and then he went... "shh baby...it's okay" ...he called me baby. and fuck, despite everything right then, that made me smile. no one has ever called me that before and it just made me feel so good. i looked at him and i smiled and i was like "you just called me baby..." and he blushed like crazy and started saying he was sorry over and over again and i had to practically shout his name to get his attention to tell him that i liked it. i think we both blushed a little but he smiled. i was too worn out to keep worrying about what had happened earlier that night. i just wanted benji to hold me and fall asleep, so we both got into my bed and benji held me tight and i knew everything was ok. everything's ok when he holds me. alright, enough of that stuff. i'm trying to just forget it and put it past me because i hate dwelling on shit like that. so, last night was the party at eddy's. that was pretty fun. benji and i decided to grab a few beers and kind of chill for a while and see how things were, and we decided that everything was pretty chill so we both wanted to smoke a little. earlier in the week benji was telling me about how this was supposed to be some "good shit" that eddy got his hands on, and man, it really was. it was awesome. i remember really loving one of the songs that was playing, and i honestly can't remember what song it was now, haha. but i really liked it and i was a tid bit fucked up so i got really excited and made them turn it up and oh god, i remember dancing and shit to it. all the music they were playing was rap, and i kinda really like rap a lot...so i knew a lot of the songs, and i was just rapping and dancing and stuff and probably making a complete FOOL out of myself. oh well, i had fun. haha. i remember i was just dancing or whatever and i'd gotten a bunch of people to join me which was awesome, and benji had been sitting on the couch just watching for a while. he stood up though and walked towards me and grabbed me by my belt loops and pulled me towards him and he kissed me. and i just have to say, that was really hot. we started making out a little and i was still dancing a little against him. after a while we all sort of chilled out and benj and i started playing playstation. i was totally kicking benji's ass. some kid had come over to us in the middle of one of our games, so i paused it because he apparently thought i look familiar and was curious what school i went to and everything. so, i was trying to talk to this kid and all of a sudden i feel a pair of lips and a tongue, and some teeth again my neck. and i get all "derrr" while i'm talking to this kid, trying to form thoughts and get the words out while benji is driving me insane! my neck is definitely a hot zone. anyway, this kid ended up not knowing me or something so i'm just like, okay. he left and i turn around and just attack benji a little for teasing me, and so we start making out on the floor until someone comes over and is all like "dudes, stop making out and someone fucking play me", so i'm all like, okay. so i play this dude for a while and i kick his ass too so he decides to leave. i turned around and benji was just lounging on the couch watching us play. he was leaning against the side of it kind of and his legs were bent and up a little...so i owe it to the booze and weed for helping me do what i did next. i got up and i sat down next to him and parted his legs a little and then crawled up in between them and started kissing him. we're talking online right now and he just told me how hot is was. i wish i wasn't so damn shy... so we made out for a little bit before we pulled away and just laid there looking at each other for a few minutes, just smiling. then benji pushed my hair back a little and, calling me baby, asked if i wanted to head to bed. i love when he calls me baby. we woke up this morning pretty early and decided to head out so eddy could get his room back and stuff. we went back to benji's house and just went straight back to bed. we spent the entire day in bed and it was so awesome. we cuddled and watched stand up all day. god, just the feeling of spending all day cuddling in bed with someone...it's fucking incredible. being lazy and snuggly and warm and making out and softly touching. it's the best feeling. eventually i figured i should go, get home before my parents do and shit. as i was kind of checking myself out in the mirror before i left, i noticed that benji gave me a hickie at the party when he was basically assulting my neck, which i LOVED, haha. but benji offered to help me cover it up cause of my parents and stuff and i was about to let him before i was like, you know what, fuck them and their shit. if they asked, i'd tell them to fuck off. not liked they'd even notice, but if they did i was ready to say that to them. benji drove me home and it was a pretty sad ride. i didn't want to go back home. he walked me up to my door and i don't know what came over me, but before he could give me a little kiss goodbye, i just kind of shoved him up against my door and REALLY kissed him. i think it was the most passionate goodbye kiss we've ever had. i think benji likes when i'm all aggressive like that haha. i wish i wasn't so shy all the time. i'm working on it though. but yeah, now i'm all lonely and feeling crappy. i hate sunday nights after i'm done seeing benji. they suck so badly. wow, this was really fucking long and probably really stupid, haha. i just blab on about everything and get distracted right in the middle of it and probably don't make any sense. i better end this now. ooh, before i go though...guess who just asked me to be their valentine...i'll give you one guess ;) i can't wait for valentines day! for the first time in my life! i wanna do something special for benji. any ideas??? 3 comments|post comment

[29 Jan 2005|12:45am] I HATE MYSELF. HATE HATE HATE. i'm such a fucking idiot. i just knew i'd fucking ruin it. and i did. benji and i were making on my couch watching stand-up. it got heavy. we were in our boxers and benji started rubbing me through them. i was getting hard and kissing him harder and obviously that was a sign to keep going, and i wanted that. he slipped his hand into my boxers and started jerking me off. i'm too fucking angry at myself right now to even talk about how fucking amazing it was. i figured i should help him out a little and give him a handjob back. i wanted to. i've thought about it a lot and i thought i was ready. i started touching him and he moaned and stuff and i was so fucking nervous and scared. and then i fucking CAME! i swear it was like two fucking minutes. WAY TO FUCKING GO JOEL! i can't fucking believe myself. i pulled away from benji and i was trying hard not to cry because i was just so fucking pissed off and embarrassed at myself. i kept apologizing and then i told him to leave. i fucking told him to get out, and i'll never forget how he looked as he was leaving. he looked like a fucking kicked puppy. i feel so fucking horrible. i've fucked everything up and i hate myself. the end. 4 comments|post comment

[27 Jan 2005|02:11pm] [ mood | dorky ] woo, i just finished my last final. wasn't too bad, thank god. i'm in the library right now and i have nothing to do, so why not update? benji is coming to pick me up from school again. what an awesome guy. i asked him last night online if he'd want to spend the night tonight since we both have school off tomorrow, and then we can spend the day together. i dunno what we can do or anything, but hey, i'm not going to turn down any opportunity to hang out with benji. eddy is having a party saturday night. i guess he told benji that he got his hands on some really good weed, so he's having a bunch of people over to smoke and drink and party. the usual. benji asked if i wanted to go, so i figure, why not? i always have a good time at the parties that benji's friends throw. he knows some pretty rad people. i asked benji if he was going to smoke or anything. he doesn't know yet, he wants to wait and feel everything out before he gets into anything. he said that when he was pretty into drugs, he saw a lot of bad shit happen when people got their hands on some "good" shit. he just wants to be careful, and i'm really relieved. i don't think i'll do anything unless benj does. eddy said we can crash at his house again if we need to, so that's cool. driving after you've gotten fucked up, is just...fucked up. but yeah, it's gonna be a good weekend :) oh...um, last night when benji and i were talking online, we were on the subject of each other in the shower (we seem to talk about shit like that alot, haha. we're 17 year old guys, we're ALWAYS thinking about sex and shit) and benji asked me if maybe i'd wanna take a shower with him. i swear, as soon as i read that my stomach exploded with butterflies and i got all fluttery and shit. he was quick to say that if i didn't want to, i could say no and stuff. and we didn't even have to do anything this weekend, or even soon for that matter. it's cute how he's always like, "but you don't have to if you don't wanna" right after he asks something. i told him i really wanted to...cause yeah...thinking about taking a shower with benji...wow. he's hot now, and someone in the shower instantly becomes 10x hotter. all wet and naked. wow. i'm gonna be nervous as HELL though. like i always am. i wish i wasn't such an idiot around him when it comes to that stuff. hopefully it'll go away cause i hate always making an ass out of myself. sorry if that was TMI or anything, haha. i can't help it. i should probably stop talking about benji naked in the shower anyway, since i'm in my school library and all. oops? i don't know when i'll get to update, but i'll try and get something written in here this weekend...if anything happens worth writing about... yeah. i think i'm going to be extremely homosexual right now and go primp in the boys restroom until school's over. i gotta look good for my sexy boy ;) haha, i'm such an idiot. later all. oh, and i forgot to add that when benji and i were taking a nap yesterday, he stayed up a little after i fell asleep to watch me i guess, and he saw that notebook he gave me for christmas and was curious if i'd written anything in there. i've filled up a bunch of it already, with songs and poems and...personal thoughts. and he read them. he felt really bad and said he'd understand if i hated him or something. and i don't think i could ever HATE benji, nor was i like, MAD at him...i was just insanely embarrassed because i'd written in there that i think i'm falling for him...and i do...i think i'm falling hard, and now he knows that and i'm so freaking embarassed. i can't believe he knows how i feel. i guess he would've found out eventually... post comment

[26 Jan 2005|08:03pm] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | taking back sunday - you're so last summer ] benji just left my house. we both have finals tomorrow, so i guess studying is what i should be doing. blah. i'd rather write about benji instead ;) i have the best boyfriend ever! you'll never believe what he did today. when i was walking out of school today, preparing myself for the couple mile walk home, there he was in the parking lot, sitting on top of his car in his coat, scarf and mittens and his glasses, reading. i swear to god it was the cutest thing ever. and i'm allowed to say stuff like that now that i'm, well, dating a dude. i was like, "is that benji? oh my god, it is!" i got really excited and ran over to him and hugged him really tight before he even got a chance to see me coming. haha. it scared him. i asked what he was doing there and he came to bring me home so i wouldn't have to walk. i mean, god, who DOES that? he drove an hour to my school, and waited in the parking lot just so i didn't have to walk a few miles back to my house. he's so damn amazing. i must've been a really kick ass person in my previous life or something to get someone like him. after we pulled out of the school parking lot i made benji pull over. he was really confused and was asking me why, if there was something wrong. i was just like, "pull over right now benji, just do it" and so he pulled into a little strip mall thing and just looked at me like i was crazy for a second before i leaned over and kissed him hard, cause ya know...i didn't kiss him when i first saw him and i felt bad, and i just wanted to kiss him to thank him and stuff i guess. he kissed me back for a sec and then smiled and was like "damn joel" grinning at me. when we got to my house i invited him in, of course. when we got into my room i asked what he wanted to do. he asked if i wanted to just cuddle and stuff for a while, and that sounded awesome. we both took our pants off just because jeans aren't always the most comfortable things to lounge around in. we kept our t-shirts and stuff on though cause we were just gonna take a nap and cuddle. we snuggled and kissed for a little bit. all really soft and nice-like and then we both fell asleep and it was honestly the best nap i've ever had in my life. benji is the best person to cuddle with in the world. he's so soft and warm and snuggly. i wish i always had him to sleep with. the nights i sleep alone are so lonely and they just suck. even before we started dating and stuff, i slept so much better when we shared a bed. just having him there makes me feel so safe and content. it's awesome. no school friday! i'm gonna see if benji wants to spend the day together or something cause i don't think he has school either. yay. 3 day weekend to spend with my amazing boyfriend. it's funny, i love saying that. my boyfriend. those words make me smile. i'm gonna talk to my boyfriend online now :) later. 2 comments|post comment

[24 Jan 2005|06:19pm] so...i just got back from benji's. all this back and fourth stuff sucks. i wish we could spend more time together, but everything (work, school, etc.) seems to be against us right now. i love the time we actually do get to spend together though. i'm trying to spend as much time as i can with him because i really can't describe how happy i am when i'm with him. it's pretty crazy. i haven't been this happy...ever. but yeah, anyway. last night i went over to benji's house. we were talking online and one thing led to another and we pretty much decided that we were gonna take things to the next step, so to speak. i kind of asked him if i could see um, all of him...and yeah. so, i went over to benji's last night and it was pretty late but we wanted to see each other. i decided that i'd just leave early this morning so we could both get to school, and then i'd come back after i got out of school. when i got to his house and he opened the door...man he looked good. i kind of think that he primped before i got there. and that thought makes me smile. it's cute. his hair was spiked and he was wearing eyeliner and he looked so damn good. i was really nervous and kind of shy and stuff, cause obviously i knew what was gonna happen when we got into his room. he was pretty shy and stuff too. we're such chicks, haha. we went into his room and started kissing and stuff. after a few minutes of just kissing and touching a little, we started to undress each other while we were still kissing. eventually we were both in just our boxers, standing there kissing. that's when i really started getting nervous. i mean, i obviously really wanted to see him and everything, i was just insanely nervous about it all. this is all so new and i can't believe like...i don't know how to word this really. like, i can't believe just how much i WANT this. does that make sense? like, never before i met benji had i ever thought of a guy in any sort of sexual way, and the more time i spend with benji, and the more physical stuff we do, the more attracted i am to him...the more he turns me on and the more i...want everything. it's hard to explain, blah. i'm not making any sense. basically what i'm trying to say is, benji really turns me on, and that doesn't freak me out. anyway, so we're kissing and we're both in just our boxers...i moved my hands to the waistband of his boxers and my fingertips were holding on to the very top of the waistband and i kind of pulled back from kissing him and quietly asked "can i?" he looked really shy and nodded his head. i started kissing him again and i pulled his boxers down...and i'll admit, i was kind of scared to look. oh, i WANTED to look, believe me, but i was scared. i didn't really know what kind of reaction i was going to have and i didn't want to like, ruin anything with my stupidity. i've never like, seen another guy's dick before because i'm a stupid little innocent loser, i've only seen my own. i was still kissing him and i hadn't looked yet, and i didn't want him to see my reaction really, so i put his hands on the waistband of my boxers to give him the hint that he could take them off. he did and then we both pulled away from the kiss and stood back a little bit. i was so fucking nervous and scared and shy and whatever other feelings go along with those. i looked at him...his whole body...and just. fuck. he was a little turned on...and i knew i was too...he was, yeah. he was nice. um...he was REALLY nice... i can officially say that benji's penis is the first one that i've ever seen other than mine, and the first one that's ever turned me on. i'm blushing like crazy right now while writing this. i'm such a fucking retard, haha. when we pulled away, instinctively my hands kind of covered myself...i didn't really realize i had done that (i was a little...distracted...haha) until i felt benji's hands softly move mine away from myself. i heard him whisper "wow" and man, that made me blush even more. and before i could stop myself, i heard the same word coming out of my mouth while i was staring at his body. i felt like such an idiot, standing there all awkwardly, gawking at my naked boyfriend. he's so hot. my god, he's hot. benj kind of broke the trance. he stepped towards me and his hand cupped my cheek softly and he whispered to me, "god joel...you look so good" and who knew it was possible to blush more than i already was. i told him "you too" and he smiled before leaning in and kissing me softly. i knew he was still really shy and whatever, but i was glad that he was making the moves because i don't think i could've. i probably would've just stood there and stared like the idiot i am. we started kissing more and he was kind of backing up toward his bed. he laid down and pulled me on top of him. we were making out pretty heavily, with me laying all the way on top of him. i could feel him underneath me, and man, if that wasn't enough of an amazingly wonderful new feeling...he started to move his hips just a little under mine, in turn...well, you get the picture. it felt so good. SO good. like, i can't even describe it. it was definitely a new feeling to me. but yeah, so his hips were moving a little bit underneath mine and i kind of started moving mine a little bit on top of him, and i felt so stupid afterwards, but i started moaning a little. i couldn't hold them back. he moaned back though, and that only turned me on more. he stopped the kiss eventually though, and put his hands on my hips to still mine. he whispered that we should probably stop before things go too far. he kissed me again after that. i knew he probably wanted to keep going, and you know, i don't know if i would've eventually told him to stop or not. it makes me feel really, special and stuff that benji is willing to wait for me, and take his time and make sure that i'm comfortable with everything. i know that sex isn't all he thinks about, but obviously he's a guy and he has needs. but it makes me feel really nice knowing that he cares so much and that he respects me and everything. i can't think of a more perfect person that i want to be in a relationship with right now than benji. this being the first guy i've been in a relationship with or not. we just ended up cuddling together and falling asleep. yeah, sorry if this didn't make much sense. i started this a while ago and i'm all distracted again, haha. i'm so easily distracted with things. all i write about in this thing now is benji :) but that's okay. he's the only thing worth writing about in my life. speaking of benji...he hasn't come online yet. i don't want to be all weird and obsessive, but i worry about him if i haven't talked to him in a while or if he doesn't sign on when he usually does. i hope he's okay...i always have a worry in the back of my mind about his dad and stuff. i think i'm gonna call him and just, say hi. cause i'm not obsessive. i swear, haha. later. 17 comments|post comment

[22 Jan 2005|07:59pm] [ mood | calm ] i'm back home again. blah. it sucks here by myself. i had another awesome weekend with benji. he had to work earlier tonight so we had to cut the weekend short, unfortunately. that made me sad. i didn't wanna leave so soon cause it's only saturday night. i told him at the beginning of the week that i wanted to take him out this weekend, so since he had to work we ended up going out earlier today instead of tonight. i took him out for lunch instead of dinner :) it was really fun though. friday night i went over to his place and we watch stand-up again. i hope this becomes like, our thing. ya know? i'm so corny it's not even funny, but i just think it'd be really...nice...to have like, a thing with someone. am i making sense? haha. but anyway, so we're sitting on his couch watching stand-up, kinda cuddling together. i was just sort of cleaning against him and he had an arm around me and we were holding hands, cause we're just too cute like that ;) so we're watching tv and the phone rings and benj answers it. he doesn't really say anything for a few minutes so i'm kind of curious who's on the other end and if everything's okay cause i can't really read his face at first, but i see his face kind of relax after a minute or so and he tells whoever's on the phone thanks and then hangs up. i'm about to ask him who it was when he turns his whole body towards me and the next thing i know i'm on my back laying along the couch and he's on top of me kissing me like there's no tomorrow, and i'm kind of shocked for a sec but obviously i kiss back because, yeah, when someone like benji is kissing you, you can't not kiss back. he pulls away after a minute or so of us making out hardcore and he's grinning like i've never seen him grin before and he tells me that he's clean. i'm confused at first but i quickly realize that it was the clinic on the phone to tell him that his tests came back negative. i'm so happy for him that he's clean. not just for the fact that it's less to worry about for me, but because i would never want benj to have to deal with something like that. so i smile back at him just as big and i put my arms around him and hug him and tell him how happy i am for him. he leans down and kisses me again, and we start making out...a lot. we eventually work ourselves down to just our boxers. obviously i knew that it wasn't going THAT far. i'm just getting used to how he feels, and yeah...so we're making out just in our boxers and my hands are wandering his body, along his chest and his back, and his are doing the same. he's laying almost fully on top of me, one of his legs is inbetween mine and his hips kind of start moving against me. i kind of start moving my hips a little too, and i felt his hand rubbing my lower stomach just above the top of my boxers. i kind of moaned his name a little, i don't really know what i meant by it, i just needed more of him...i think he understood...i started feeling his hand move a little lower, just lightly at first. i felt his fingers lightly rub his fingers against me. i can't describe how it made me feel. it was like, sparks, as soon as he touched me there. i jumped a little, but i didn't want him to stop. i told him not to stop. he slowly started to move his palm and fingers up and down, rubbing and applying more pressure the longer we were making out and i was hard and it felt so good...we were making out really hardcore and he was touching me over my boxers and i could feel him rubbing against my leg. i'm sorry if this is a little too much info for you guys. eventually, we both came. it was...wow. that's the first time a guy has ever touched me... we kissed for a minute afterwards and just kinda layed there breathing hard and stuff. i was so embarrassed and shy...i think he was too. he kind of shyly told me i could borrow a pair of his boxers cause i uh...mine were kind of...dirty. we both changed boxers and got into his bed and cuddled up against each other and kissed a little bit before falling asleep. god, i love falling alseep next to him, and waking up next to him. it's one of the best feelings ever. he's online right now and i'm kind of distracted so i'm sorry if this entry is all weird and not making any sense, haha. 1 comment|post comment

[20 Jan 2005|12:55am] i went over to benji's last night. the night before we had a little misunderstanding, i guess you could call it. i don't really want to go into it, so long story short, benji had said that he didn't know my middle name, so i told him mine and then he wouldn't tell me his back. i kept asking him but he wouldn't tell me, and i was getting kind of sad that he wouldn't. i was joking around when i threatened to break up with him if he didn't tell me, figuring he'd tell me then, but he didn't. i don't know. it was stupid, and i ended up getting upset because he didn't seem to care that i said that, and i signed offline. i tried calling him after that but his phone line was busy. i spent all day worrying about it. yesterday we talked online and worked things out. it was stupid. he thought we really broke up i guess. so yeah, i went over to his place because i missed him and wanted to see him. we didn't get to really spend much time together because we both had school in the morning, we just wanted to see each other anyway. we kissed and all that stuff. we were gonna go to bed and started taking our shirts off and he had a huge bruise on his side. i'm sure you all know what happened after that. i asked him what happened, he denied anything happened, i got upset. he wont talk to me about that stuff. eventually he was like, "joel you know what happened" and he didn't go into detail. i fucking hate his dad, end of story. i hate him. i figured it was best not to get into a whole other argument or something then so i just kept my mouth shut. i was so upset though. i hate that this happens to him. i kissed the bruise and then got behind him so i could hold him. i've never spooned anyone before but i thought it might be nice, and it was. i wrapped my arms around him and we just laid there. i rubbed his stomach softly until i fell asleep. benji finally told me tonight online that it was because he had missed a bunch of school and they called his dad wondering why. his dad was pissed because they interrupted his life or some shit like that. god i fucking hate him. 2 comments|post comment

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